To Our Lawmakers: A New Statute, Please!

OK. I've had it. I'm a law-abiding citizen myself. Always have been. I don't even litter, for crying out loud. My rants on drivers who cruise through stop signs and don't use turn signals was eons ago. Today? I'm calling upon our lawmakers to add to the tomes of regulations, rules, laws and statutes and help curtail the tsunami of nonsense behavior our citizenry seem incapable of curtailing on their own.

I want to see THE IDIOTS AND ASSHOLES statute on the books.

For example, if you choose to take a poor innocent donkey and send him parasailing as a promotional stunt, even IF the judge decrees that, since the quadriped made it home in one piece and that no "animal cruelty" had been inflicted, that the man who'd performed the stunt for promo and his guffawing audience (of men, that's right, you guessed it) would not be guilty under that statute, even IN that case, the schmo would, however, be guilty and -either fined or jailed, whichever would hurt him most - for being AN IDIOT AND AN ASSHOLE. (OK, so this was in Russia, but I can guaran-darn-tee you that someone over on this side of the pond is gonna think this was the funniest thing ever - any day now there are going to be flying donkey sightings from coast to coast).

Situations in which implementation of this rule would be appropriate, abound. Just read your newspaper. Lose a kid in a balloon and then admit it was a stunt? MONTHS in the slammer. Rant about smacking the mother of your child in the head with a bat (and calling her names, making racial slurs, etc.) all while on the phone (duh - heard of audio tape much dude? I'd bet you HAVE SINCE YOU ARE IN THE FREAKIN MOVIES!)? Banned for life from any movie set in this country (if they love you in Australia still, head on home).

And it seems only a fitting application if, for example, you are sobbing through your sentencing for parole violations and have F_CK YOU on your nails that the judge (and every camera in the room) can see, tack on another 90 days for STUPIDITY all while being forced to wear a totally untrendy orange jumpsuit.

Holding your infant over a railing for papparazzi? BAM, the gavel says you get a whopping big fine and all your llamas get confiscated.

And it can be useful for society, too. People who leave their little dogs in the car in the blazing sun in 100 degree weather until the hapless pooch croaks? 1,000 hours community service: scraping dog crap off the sidewalk.

So for people who simply cannot see the errors of their idiotic ways? Let the law handle it.

I can see it now:

"Ma'am, you'll have to put down that cell phone and mascara wand and step out of your car."

"But officer, what did I doooooo?"

"You're an idiot and an asshole ma'am, and I'm taking you into custody."

Death Race 2010.

OK, so I was out driving my intrepid old Nissan to a shopping mall today to get my little brother the last post-Christmas gift I hadn't had a chance to pickup. Since he was visiting and likes to pick out his own things it was a perfect arrangement.

Now as a driver, I am obsessed with driving defensively. I also obey the laws of the road because I don't have points on my license, don't want points on my license and prefer to keep my relationship with law enforcement at an admiring distance.

So there I am driving. Carefully. Throughout the 20 minute shopping trip I encountered people: speeding, changing lanes like bats out of hell without signalling; one accident where someone tried to make a left turn after the light change, thus slamming into another car who was speeding and wham - one car without a bumper, a police cruiser on the scene and a traffic tie-up. Then someone nearly hit my car as I was pulling into the parking lot. When I honked - merely to alert them that there was a car behind them, the driver gave me the finger.

On the way out, a car ran a stop sign as I was already in the process of making my turn. Honked at me, long and loud and ranted from within their car. Using my blinker, I made my nice legal turn and continued on my way home.

At which point I was almost hit by someone making an illegal U-turn.

Almost impossible to believe I've never had an accident. But I've honed defensive driving to an art.

To the crappy drivers out there, think about being in your car with a loved one. Wouldn't you want all the other drivers to be safe, to follow the rules of the road, to use blinkers, stop at stop signs and refrain from speeding?